Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
