just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
