No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
