i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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