Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
