I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
a search helicopter?!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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