You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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