dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
