whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I need to stop coming to work sober
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize