I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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