I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
