1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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