I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
