If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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