Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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