I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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