Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize