woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
