im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She needs sedatives and a leash
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
