sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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