I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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