four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
