I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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