I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So many bounce houses so little time
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize