I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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