i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Pants are for mortals
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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