he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
