I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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