even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
