i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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