All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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