I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
