my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
