Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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