I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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