my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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