new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
