im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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