remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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