The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
