you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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