I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
