watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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