this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
