Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
