I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Randomize
