I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Text me some of your sweat
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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