i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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