I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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