Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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