I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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