I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
