What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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