I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize