I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
