rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
