Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize