rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
