I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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